WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SAY NO…

….when anyone says, “you hold the cat while I……”  Fact:  Anything requiring two people, the cat will not like.  My brothers learned this the hard way.  I was about eleven, making the two of them ten and nine.  One of them decided it was time to wash the cat. Fact: cats are not fond of water. He suggested that one of us hold it while he washed it.  I immediately knew I wanted no part of this and that they shouldn’t do it.  They didn’t listen so I ran and told mama.  She said it would be the last time they tried.  Seeing she was in no hurry,  I ran back to the boys just in time to witness the bath.  Did you know that just holding a cat over a container of water will make it freak out and tear you up?  LOL Mama got there just in time to take the bloody one into the house to be doctored a little bit. Fact: the one holding the cat is generally the one that gets wounded.

THE DAY I FOUND OUT I HAD HALF-SIBLINGS…..

When I was in first grade, my older brother, Bill, who is eight years older,  and I rode the school bus up missile base road and got dropped off at the end of Oakdale Church Road.  From there, we walked up a dirt road to the church where Bill had his car parked.  He then drove us the rest of the way home, mostly on a dirt road.  He was too young for a license.  This one day, we were on the bus, sitting separately, when a kid asked me my name.  Thinking he was being friendly, I told him, and then he asked my brother’s name.  I told him, giving him the same last name as me.  The kid started laughing and told me that Bill had a different last name than me, and that we weren’t real brothers and sisters.  I started crying of course, since Bill was my hero.  Bill asked me what was wrong.  I told him and he came unglued on the kid, asking him if he was proud of himself.  We got off the bus and all the way to the church, Bill explained that we have different dads, but that that did not mean that we weren’t brother and sister and that he loved me just like I loved him. ( I can remember having a similar discussion with our older sister a few years later.)  I was so reassured by his words, that I don’t think I worried about this unexpected information very much. I spent most of my childhood hoping that he would think I was cool. (I think anyone with older siblings feels this kind of hero worship?) Anyway, he was and is the coolest big brother ever.  And to my younger brothers, if you ever wished I thought you were cool, I do. (Well, most of the time. There was that one time when you…..) LOL

THE PAINTBALL INCIDENT…(WELL, ONE OF THEM)

One winter evening, when Zach was about ten or eleven, he and Mike were in the shop bonding.  Too cold out there for me.  They had gotten out the blowgun, and were blowing darts at the dartboard.  Once, when Zach was retrieving the darts, Mike sees a bucket of paintballs and fires one at Zach, hitting him on the rear end. Zach immediately starts crying and runs inside to me.   He says his dad shot him with a paintball. I immediately think he shot him from too close, not realizing he was using a blowgun. He is already starting to get a bruise.  I march out to the shop, getting pretty mad, only to have the wind taken out of my sails.  Mike says he was only using the blowgun, and that he didn’t realize it, but the paintballs are FROZEN! Lol That WILL leave a mark. #noheatoutthere

NEWBY…..

Episode 1000: This past week, we have been having some pine trees removed because they are going to pave our road and the trees were on the right of way.  The crew that was doing the cutting, had a couple of old hands, and one new guy from California. It was his first day.  They had cut several trees, when the new guy decides to take a break.  Mike turns around to find him sitting on one of the stumps.  (I’m sure Mike’s eyes bugged out) LOL He tells the guy, “I don’t think you want to sit there”.  The guy half turns toward him putting his hand on the stump.  Simultaneously, he says, “Why?” as he is lifting his hand up just dripping with sap!  LOL He had a sap ring on his behind all day long.  I’m sure his pants were probably ruined.  (city people. smh)

THE DAY I WAS ASHAMED TO BE A RAZORBACK……

EPISODE 644:

When my kids were pretty small, Autumn was 5, Zach was 3, we went on vacation to St. Louis.  One of the attractions there is the arch, and of course we took the kids.  I should say that Zach was barely potty trained, and was all decked out in a razorback outfit that was red of course and had Arkansas written all over it.   Really cute.  We went to the arch and up in it. Looked around and then got ready to go into the elevators.  Now to do this you stand in a line kindof on stairs and wait for the elevators to open.  Zach had already told me that he needed to use the bathroom, and when we get in line with several people below us, he starts trying to pull his pants down and announces loudly that  he is going to pee on those people! LOL( Did I mention that he had on an Arkansas Razorback shirt? ) I stifle his urge to pee on everyone,  and we get downstairs to the bathroom in time.  We look around in the museum downstairs and then we go outside and are walking around the arch when Zach cranes his head up and says with wonder in his voice as he is trying to pull his pants down again, “I need to pee on that!”  Me and Mike’s Aunt Julie just keep walking as we are laughing and telling Mike to get his son.  Mike had to let him pee behind a bush.  You shouldn’t advertise where you are from when your kids are with you. LOL

WHY I DON’T CRITIQUE ANYONE’S SIGNIFICANT OTHER….

Episode 452: A number of years ago, a relative (who shall remain nameless) came by our house one night and told us he had taken his live-in girlfriend elsewhere, and that their relationship was over.  We jumped on the band wagon, and told him he was better off, she was just using him, she didn’t love him, yada yada….He was in total agreement, and we all spent some time dogging her.  He left our house pretty late, and came back over the next morning only to tell us that he had moved her back in!  Mike just looked at him and said, “Well, like I was saying last night, ‘she’s great, you’re lucky to have her'”.  LOL We all died laughing.

MY AUNT BILL……

She was named Lillian, but everyone called her Bill. My mom said she got her nickname when she was a young girl working in the cotton fields.  Her  family dressed her like a man and called her Bill to protect her from the men in the cotton fields.  Apparently, they never caught on or if they did, they kept her secret.  She even learned to pee standing up. I never saw this wonder, but my older brother swears she could.  Anyway, the nickname stuck for life.  She was the funniest lady and so matter of fact and blunt.  She dipped snuff most of her life, and in later years, after scolding her children for smoking and having it pointed out that she had a habit that she couldn’t break, she showed them all by quitting! (I think she must have been in her seventies.) We spent our summer vacation at her home in south Georgia. I have shelled many a pea, and shucked more corn at her house than you can possibly understand.  She was the first one to make chocolate syrup (not gravy that stuff is nasty) for me for breakfast.  The first to introduce me to tomato sandwiches, homemade creamed FIELD corn (not sweet corn), and boiled peanuts.  All wonderful memories. She was known to her kids and grandkids as “mubber”.  (We weren’t allowed to call her mubber.  Mom said that she was our mother.  An ego thing I suppose.) She was my Aunt Bill, definitely one of a kind,  and I miss her so much.